Monday, December 26, 2005

So Heavenly minded, no earthly good

If he's alone,
the timing is right,
or if he has the need for it,
he'll take off his Stetson,
kneel, then utter
some quiet prayers.

Otherwise, that man
won't darken the door
of any house of worship,
but he's got no issues at all
with the Man upstairs.

but ever since a Sunday morning
a few months back
he's now completely in the lurch!
Seems his wife is now Heaven bound
since she's made the altar call at church.

Yep, his better half
done got religion,
and in short order
his life had changed.

Now his "pistol"
of a sweetheart
is acting most
peculiar and strange!

He’s wondering what happened to
His not-so-blushing bride
Who in the past,
quite frankly, was
A little on the ‘trashy’ side…

She used to like drinkin',
dancin, NASCAR,
Wearing big hair
jewelry, makeup,
And a denim miniskirt!

She used to love to flirt
As well as dish the dirt
And boy, oh boy,
could she blister ears
With a loud cuss!

Now she's singing hymns
and reading the Bible,
uh-oh, gotta watch
what you say,
cuz she's gotten
much too pious
for the rest of us.

Her quick saintly transformation
is to most of us quite the mystery.
Instead of swilling Jack Daniels,
she now daintily sips herbal tea!

No one knows what prompted
her sudden veer to the right,
all we know is that
good ole girl
has gotten way too uptight!

but it’s plain as day
that former sinner
has adopted quite
the sanctimonious attitude,

when her name
is mentioned in public,
it's generally understood,
she's gotten so heavenly minded
that she's no longer any earthly good.

Her husband doesn't really want
to control or dominate her
between her and salvation
he'd never try to stand in her way

but he's getting real tired of
all those well aimed
Scripture quotations
passing her lips 24 hours a day.

She no longer cleans the house
because she's busy prepping
Sunday school lessons
she longer makes him dinner
cuz she's always out feeding the needy

she doesn't hug her kids anymore
hasn't bought them new clothes
or even toys for Christmas
she donated them to Goodwill and
told them they're much too greedy!

she gave up the laughter
and the off color jokes
along with the
homemade rolled smokes

To her husband,
she never says I love you,
instead she tells him to pray
for he's still redeemable yet

although she also
says all the time
he's speedily careening
on the road to Hell
cuz of his wicked ways
and sinful mindset

she says
she worries about
his mortal soul
and is alarmed at
how far he's fallin'

she no longer
gives him kisses
or ever calls
him my darlin'

when her name
is mentioned in public,
it's generally understood,
she's gotten so heavenly minded
that she's no longer any earthly good.

one night,
while undressing
she started crying
now she changes
in the bathroom
she no longer
walks nude
in front of him

she also quit doing
her wifely duties
cuz she feels guilty
because of the past
seems to think
even now it's a sin

at first, he thought
it's all only temporary
eventually she'd relent
at some point, she'd soften

but now after a month
on that old lumpy couch
he's gettin' frustrated
his patience is growin' thin

The house is permeated
with an aura of holy gloom
she's pretty much locked him
completely out of their bedroom!

Every discussion ends in a fight
She’s ignoring him night after night
To him, she's not a guiding light
she's just cold, self-righteous and rude!

when her name is mentioned in public
it's generally understood
she's gotten so heavenly minded
that she's no longer any earthly good.

well, Sista Christian,
you better watch out
there's a dirty little secret
I'm gonna warn ya about

there's a pretty honky town angel
at the bar over yonder
he'll just mosey on over
she'll make him feel like thunder

So now she's now a-cryin'
every week at the prayer meetin'
about how her man is strayin'
and how he just won't come home

Someone piped up
what did you expect?
he was lonely as hell
when you're always over here!
can you really blame him
if he decided to roam?

Preacher softly said to her,
"all's good in moderation"
winked at his blushing wife
and continued
"besides it's a good sensation"

Go ahead, surrender
to your man's desire
if you're wearing a wedding band,
you won't fall into the Fire!

Says so right in the Word*
after all, God created lovemakin'
it's not at all sinful or lewd

yes, do follow the ways of the Lord
but don't get so heavenly minded
that you're no longer any earthly good!


Source: Hebrews 13:4, and most of the Songs of Solomon, one of the "hottest" books in the Bible!

By Lady Cascadia used with the permission of the poet.
All rights reserved

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